INTIMACY! Ok, now that we have your attention . . . let’stry another cue: SPIRITUALITY! And now, we’d like to know: what was thedifference in your reaction to the two words?

For many, intimacy conjures up juicy images of sexual trysts with the mythically perfect lover: one who attends to our every need while having none of their own: the perfectly accommodating partner who blends with our every sensual impulse to create a blissful togetherness. Notions of spirituality, meanwhile, are often iconically depicted as the lone meditating figure in lotus posture: the hermit questing for divine ecstasy in a solitary and impossibly disciplined journey that could not be further from the sensual pleasure of intimacy. Yet as we will see in this post, both images short-change their respective words through an incomplete and therefore misleading representation of their connection to us, the human beings engaging them, and to each other. This post explores how the two notions may be related and attempts a user-friendly explanation to help us show clients why nurturing one nourishes the other.

The longing for connection

At the heart of the conundrum of how we regard, and engagewith, both intimacy and spirituality is the universal human longing forconnection: that is, a yearning to be intimately related to something that islarger than our individual selves. One stream of thought that responds to thatquest is transpersonal psychology, which we could refer to as the study of thepsyche (meaning, the consciousness larger than the conscious mind) that goesbeyond the individual ego. In fact, the “trans” of transpersonal indicates movementnot just beyond (which would be“meta-personal”), but going across;transpersonal studies go across individual human beings to find the unity thatconnects them all.

That may sound very much like it falls on the spiritual sideas opposed to the “intimacy” aspect, but consider this: early use of the word“intimacy” — widely regarded now as a sexual or physical experience — was seenin Zen literature as a synonym for the breakthrough of realisation orenlightenment. So to be intimate to the ancient Zen masters was to be “onewith” (i.e., the apex of a spiritual phenomenon). To not be intimate was to bein one’s head (Amodeo, 2017).

The yin and yang of the spiritual/relational quest

Dr Charlotte Kasl, professional licenced counsellor, healer,and author, notes that sexuality and spirituality are closely intertwined. Groundingour sexuality in a loving, intimate relationship with another person canenhance our capacity to connect with “the vastness and wonder of the universe”(Kasl, 2012). Separated from that intimate relationship, sex descends into anegative, empty experience that does not satisfy us for long. Conversely, thedeeper desire for a sense of oneness with the universe can manifest as thedesire for sexual union and ecstasy. We can get a glimpse of that ecstasy ofspiritual fulfillment in a superb sexual experience, but sex alone cannot giveus the lasting fulfilment our psyches (souls) crave (Kasl, 2012).

Sexuality and spirituality, notes Kasl, are both deeplypersonal and connected to our life force energy. Or put another way, thesoulful yearning for intimacy arises from the very same impulse that moves ustoward spiritual life. Thus, spirituality is not about ideas in our head. Rather,it is about coming into direct contact with what Dr John Amodeo calls “thequiet pulse of life that flows through us and between us”. Spirituality, hesays, is “being intimate with the life that flows within us and outside of us”(Amodeo, 2017). Thus, if being intimate means going receptive to the life thathappens between us, intimate relationships are transpersonal by their verynature. The comment of philosopher Martin Buber is insightful here. He wrotethat, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God isthe electricity that surges between them” (Buber, in Amodeo, 2107).

Even more simply, intimacy has been described as yoga(meaning, “union”) with the present moment: a state of receptiveness which isdeeply intimate by its very nature, yet in its opening of awareness, also makesavailable all levels of deep connection, which we might tend to regard as“spiritual”. And the very best part of this way of viewing intimacy andspirituality is that the path from the one to the other does not requireanother cooperating human being. Rather, it is our own mindful presence inevery moment of life which kick-starts the sublime process ofintimacy-leading-to-spirituality (Spiritual Awakening Process, 2011).

What is involved in the quest?

We might ask: if genuine intimacy leads to spirituality (or possiblyvice versa), what does it mean to have true intimacy? What sorts of relationalprocesses are involved in it? For many people, the first response that springsto mind is probably the physical intimacy of a primary relationship. And thereis more. Quoting a definition of it as “a process whereby we feel truly seen,known by and connected to our partner” (Kogan, in Tartakovsky, 2014), MargaretTartakovsky delineates five types of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

Predictably, this level of intimacy is included as the sensethat we can talk to our partner about our innermost thoughts; both pain and joycan be shared. Truly understanding the partner, being able to be vulnerable,and sharing feelings is key to emotional intimacy. Many issues can preclude it:things such as anxiety, depression, ongoing stress, or even a partner’s habits,such as drinking.

Intellectual intimacy

When we exchange ideas and opinions about things we thinkand care about or about interests, or when we share thoughts on life ingeneral, we are going for intellectual intimacy.

Physical intimacy

Tartakovsky is quick to point out that physical intimacydoes not necessarily mean sex. It could be the act of being physicallyaffectionate with one another: hugging, cuddling, and holding hands are allexamples of this.

Experiential intimacy

Sharing experiences — that is, without electronic gadgets todistract us! — constitutes this sort of intimacy. It could include anythingfrom a walk on the beach to sitting in a garden to sky diving.

Spiritual intimacy

From worshipping together as a couple to hand-in-hand walksin nature, this level of intimacy is about creating awe-inspiring momentstogether (Tartakovsky, 2014).

The idea is that feeling disconnected from our partner inany of these areas is a signal that we need to talk (and even talking aboutintimacy can build it). Through openness and honesty and a genuine desire to“see” and understand the other person, we can enhance the closeness that isfoundational to our spiritual effort.

Three steps on the journey

Kasl (2012) describes steps we can take (or encourage clientsto take) to better experience the intertwined flow of sexual and spiritualenergies.

Making a commitment to oneself

We commit to knowing ourselves and our partner. We commit tobeing open to our feelings, to growth, and to change. Without such acommitment, we might block sexual energy from flowing through us, therebydissociating from part of ourselves and rendering ourselves unable to live inour wholeness.

Making a commitment to attuning with the “something-more-than”

We commit to becoming more open, aware, and tuned in: attuned to our partner, yes, and also receptive to sublime energies such as those of love, wisdom, truth, and the sense of our own higher purpose. Taking this step has a corollary. It means that, while we might make love to our partner, we do not worship at the feet of the sex god; we acknowledge that, even in the very act of sexual intercourse, we are seeking something larger, higher. Sex — indeed, all the forms of intimacy — are/can be delightful, pleasurable, and lovely, but they do not replace the need to seek meaning as we become ever more deeply imbued with purpose. This step takes us into greater intimacy with all of life.

Allowing playfulness, creativity, and joy to enter the quest forintimacy/spirituality

As we go receptive to these qualities, we bring brightenergy to spirit, body, sexuality, and partner, says Kasl (2012). This possiblyseems like an odd third step. Yet if we consider when we feel our most intimatein a partnership, we must include the delightful moments of sheer playfulnessand unadulterated joy that spring from a sense of complete acceptance byanother, of safety in that Other’s company.

Coming from what is seemingly the opposite direction, thereare texts in some religions that exhort followers to be like little children inorder to “enter the kingdom of heaven” (see Luke: 18:17 or Mark: 10:15 in theNew Testament of the Bible for this reference). Those passages are ofteninterpreted to mean that spiritual seekers should be humble. It’s not too hardto connect the dots here. When we are humble, we don’t pretend that we know itall; we go in with a beginner’s mind rather than taking ourselves tooseriously. Having lifted the weight of “expectations of expertise” off ourshoulders, we can experience a lightness of being that is prelude toplayfulness, creativity, and joy. And yet the Bible’s authors urge this not ofthose seeking an intimate human relationship, but in the context of connectionwith the sublime, the numinous, the something-more-than: that is, for thoseseeking to increase their spirituality.

Summary

We declared at the outset that we wanted to explore howintimacy and spirituality are related, and also find a user-friendly way todescribe to clients why nurturing one helps enhance the other. Here is theultimately simple, user-friendly response: in reality, the energy we use toexplore and express sexuality and intimacy is the same energy — our vital lifeforce — that we use to explore and express our spirituality. Whether thatenergy manifests as an ecstatic orgasm or the ecstasy of divine connection isup to the individual whose will is directing the energy. Here’s to joy!

References

• Amodeo, J. (2017). What does intimacy have to do with spirituality? Psychology Today. Retrieved on 12 February, 2019, from: Website.

• Kasl, C. (2012). Sexuality, spirituality and relationships — A guide to bringing them together in our lives. Charlottekasl.com. Retrieved on 12 February, 2019, from: Website.                                  

• Spiritual Awakening Process. (2011). Spirituality and intimacy. Spiritualawakeningprocess.com. Retrieved on 12 February, 2019, from: Website.